A REASON FOR MARRIAGE

Simon chuckled, “For everything that I said. For everything I did. I guess I was rushing you into things you weren’t ready for, and I’m sorry. It’s been horrible at home without you. I miss you, and I keep worrying about you and the baby. I still want to be able to help during the pregnancy and I’ll be very happy if you agree to come back home with me,”

Sara couldn’t believe her ears. She looked away, feeling ashamed of the way she’d handled things. She’d hurt this man, walked away from him when all he was trying to do was help, and she felt stupid and sorry. It wasn’t his fault that she couldn’t work through her trust issues. Sure, there were bad people in the world, but Simon wasn’t one of them. He was a good man, and all he’d been trying to do since they met was to make her see that too.

She forced herself to speak, “You don’t have to say all that,” she began, “You did nothing wrong. You were thinking about our future and I was stuck in the past. Holding back… because I couldn’t bring myself to trust you. I was scared too…Simon, the way you make me feel…”

Sara felt Simon’s eyes on her, but couldn’t look at him. Her eyes stung with tears but her voice didn’t waver. Now was not the time to cry. “I decided not to have the IVF long before I found out that I was pregnant. I mean, I couldn’t bring myself to go ahead with it, because I couldn’t see myself having a baby that wasn’t…” she paused and swallowed hard. This also wasn’t the time to feel shy, “… That wasn’t yours,”

Simon reached out and took her hand that was twisting on her knee, stopping her words. Stopping her heart. She still couldn’t look at him.

“I liked the car you bought and the houses you showed me,” she continued, “But when I thought you wouldn’t be there with us,” she rubbed her stomach, “I hated the idea of not having you with me, because it wouldn’t be right if you weren’t. After Bruce, I decided I would never marry anyone because I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who was worth going down that road for. I thought it’d be easier that way, but it doesn’t seem so easy anymore…You came into my life and you changed everything without even trying and it was scary,”

“I feel the same way,” Simon told her, “When I think about the way you make me feel, Sara, it’s scary for me too, but it doesn’t make me want to leave. It makes me want to take your hand and go down that road with you.”

She turned away again and Simon released her hand. He was saying the right things. He was saying everything she’d always wanted him to say. All this time she’d not been alone. If only she’d opened up, then she’d have seen. Sara shook her head. She was about to make another choice, take another fork in the road of her life, and, while this one had the potential for so much more pain than Bruce had ever inflicted, it was different this time because she knew this was the right thing. The right choice. It all came down to Simon and what he would choose, and she couldn’t control that.

She took another deep breath and turned to face Simon, her eyes roving over his face. Everything about him was so dear to her. So necessary for her well-being. He was looking at her, too, but warily. His expression was guarded again.

“I…. I love you, Simon,” she said, her heart thumping, “I’m following my heart, but this time I know why I’m doing it and I know it’s right-because from the first moment I saw you it’s felt right, in here.” Sara put a hand to her belly and then touched her heart. “And most of all in here. It just took me a while to trust that. To trust myself again.”

Simon said nothing, but his eyes gleamed with some indefinable emotion and Sara put her trust in that. “You asked me to consider committing to a life together, to consider that we could try and make things work.”

He cut in harshly. “I never asked you to marry me, Sara; you made it abundantly clear how you feel about it. All I wanted was for us to give family life a chance. To give our child a stable foundation.”Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

“I know,” she said gently. “And I do want that too.”

He raised an incredulous brow.

She forged on. “I really do, Simon. But the truth is, I want so much more. I said no to you weeks ago, I came back here to try and get some space, because I was afraid of what you were asking, and what might happen if I said yes-that you’d grow tired of me, or take a mistress. I always said I’d never marry again, yet I want to believe in the dream again. And it scares the life out of me, when it had become such a dangerous myth to me. I’d thought I’d given up on that dream forever.”

She looked back into his eyes, willing him to see what she was feeling, what was in her heart. “I walked away because deep down I couldn’t bear the thought that you didn’t love me. I’ve fallen in love with you, Simon, and I’ve realized that I still do want the dream. I can’t settle for anything less, no matter how much pain might be in store, even if you say no.”

His eyes met hers, and Sara stopped breathing. Time stopped for an infinitesimal moment and started again in slow, heavy beats and then she realized that it was her heart.

Simon felt as though a two-tonne lorry had just crashed into his solar plexus. And all he could do was look at her, this woman he loved more than life itself, telling him that she loved him. Finally the momentary shock wore off. He felt a ripple of pure incandescent joy surge upwards through his body. He could see her lips tighten momentarily as if to ward off the inevitable rejection, and ridiculously tears stung the back of his eyes. He was in awe, transfixed by her strength and bravery, and he felt humbled.