Breaking Rules

A very dangerous world it is. I was all alone in my apartment. And all I can do is paint on my canvas. After my classes ended, I immediately went home. I don’t want to go out, I just want to stay in my apartment, do the things that I really like. And when I got bored with painting, I stopped and stared at the canvas. It was a woman crying along with the rain. She was sitting in the center of the street while people, stroke in red, circled her. She was even crying blood and it was falling from her eyes. Why did I even paint this? I shook my head. I must be crazy. Instead of thinking something ludicrous, I went to my small kitchen and prepared myself dinner. It was past eight o’clock and all that I do after my classes is to paint. I saw how messy my whole apartment is. My brushes are everywhere. The used canvas is not properly thrown in the trash can. Acrylic paints that were used, left a stain on the floor. Add to that is my messy bed strewn with books and notebooks. God, I know that painters are sometimes like this, but this is just too handful for me. I should have reminded myself to be more pristine. I sighed in boredom as I stared at my whole apartment. After eating, I cleaned my apartment before going off to bed. But then, I can’t sleep. Even though I closed my eyes, my mind is still awake. I bit my lips, it looks like my essence doesn’t want me to sleep yet. My mind is already starting to run somewhere again. Well, this is how my life works. Overthinking again, and again, and again. That’s exhausting. My apartment felt so lonely. I’m the only one here. Ever since my parents died, I learned to be independent. I don’t have anyone by my side but myself, there’s no one I can lean on, it’s nothing else but me. Tho, I still have aunties and uncles, and cousins, I chose not to rely on them. Because it felt like I can’t do even that simple thing. I was lying on my bed when my phone beeped. Someone texted, I got up from my small bed and picked up my phone which was on the side table next to the small lamp. I opened the message and read it. A message from the manager of the club I’ve been working for a year now. From: ManagerContent (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.

We need a janitor/janitress tonight. Just text me if you’re free. I immediately text the manager about where I’m working. I have a part-time job in a club. I am working as a janitress there. The salary is okay, it was enough for me to sustain my needs. With the money I earned from the club, I can buy things related to Fine Arts, particularly the art materials I badly needed to pass college. As well as food and other necessities I need to survive in this world. It was my day off tonight but since there’s an extra fee, then I think I’ll work tonight. I can’t sleep so, might as well, I should just work. I ready myself for work. I wear faded jeans, a white shirt, and white rubber shoes. I also brought a sweater, since it’s already cold outside. Especially since it’s the month of October, the Christmas season is also near. Unlike at San Albereda University, people in the club are more approachable. They are always smiling at me. Some of them knew about my condition and it was okay to them. It was a relief for me. I might go crazy if my employer and co-workers treated me that way too. But of course, judgmental people will always be there, they are still ineluctable. They were like stray cats that you will see everywhere. Scattered in every place I go. And I was like a mouse who’s trying to hide from them. And every time I get caught, I close my eyes and accept their painful scratches. Their sharp claws put scars on my heart. The wounds they inflict on me will never heal. And even if they heal, the scars will never leave. I blew a breath before finally entering the club. The Refugio Club. “Good evening Seraphina, are you the one who’s going to replace the absent janitor?” The club manager greeted us. We call her here, Señiora Vetrua. Her age is twice my age, and she’s really kind. She also often smiles, especially with her favorite customers. But sometimes, I felt so intimidated by her. There was something strange about her aura that I can’t explain, something so eerie on her. But I also quickly get that out of my mind. I should be just grateful that she’s my manager. I have tried many jobs before, and it was only here at this club that I felt full acceptance from my co-workers and employer. No one would accept a disabled person like me. I guess I’m just lucky this time. I used to work as a janitress in a supermarket. As usual, no one wants to talk to me that much. Nor was it easy for me to be accepted there. Maybe the owner just took pity on me so I was hired. It was my third month at my work when something happened. I was a little bit traumatized by what happened there. There was a holdup incident that happened where I work before, I was right there when he shoot his hostage. I changed my clothes first before doing my job. I was wearing a blue uniform. I went inside the women’s restroom. A large mirror on the side welcomed me. I haven’t started cleaning yet when I suddenly stop readying the things I will use. There’s a blaring thud coming from one of the cubicles there. The restroom is huge, it has eight cubicles in total. And I was stunned by what I heard. “Fuck babe, faster…” “Shit. Fuck, ahh, faster… please… babe…” I covered my face. The inappropriate sounds are coming from the first cubicle. The unpleasant sounds got louder and louder. They don’t seem to be able to hold back anymore, on what they are doing. Hands are on my chest, I swiftly run out of the restroom. My heart is pounding erratically, I could barely breathe on what I did. I felt so scandalous hearing those things. My face heated up when I realized what they were doing. I’m not that dumb to not know what it is. My whole face is heating up in embarrassment, I fanned myself to at least calm down for a while. I decided to just wait for them until they are done with what they are doing. Eyes are looking down as I wait for them, and after a few moments, the door opens. I saw a woman, trying to fix herself, a man is hugging her from the back. The woman looked at me, she looks so surprised to see me standing beside the door. She smiled when our gaze met, it made me anxious. The way she smirked, it was like she is telling me that she know that I heard them doing something. “Oh, I’m sorry, miss. We just had a quickie. I hope you don’t mind. Anyway, you can use the restroom already,” I just smiled at her and gently looked away. That made me feel so awkward. I hurried inside and started cleaning up. What they did is embarrassing for me, it’s a bit obscene, I guess. And yeah, it was not the first time to experience it, but I’m still not used to it. I shook my head. I can’t help but be disappointed with these people. The way they live is just a cycle. They keep doing things that they shouldn’t have done. People asked Him for forgiveness but keep on committing the sin they asked to forgive for. Then added another sin, like they were just adding a lump of sugar on top of the salt. Asking for forgiveness that they never tried to repent. Life is really obnoxious sometimes. “You just can’t cover your sins with another sin.” While I was cleaning, I heard a group of girls giggling. My forehead was already sweaty, I can feel the sweat falling to my cheeks, and my hand felt numb from cleaning the floor. They enter the restroom and I was just there continuing my duty. Three women entered the lavatory. They are beautiful and looked like they came from a wealthy family. They look so sophisticated like they are telling by their looks that they have the privilege of a good life. They are really loud, so I overheard them talking about someone. “Oh gosh, he’s so hot,” said a woman fixing her makeup on her face. She was facing the mirror and applying some face powder on her face. “Damn those gray eyes, I feel like he’s getting me naked by just looking at those gray eyes. Well, I could get really naked in front of him, if he wants though. “Well, yes, he’s so hot, so handsome, and everything you could describe him, but I heard from Jacquie that he’s a snob and rude. That hottie allegedly pushed her, what a sadist … I bit my lips with what I heard. “Oh, I like it, a sadist! Maybe he’s really good in bed, what’d you think? But how did Jacquie say that?” “Jacquie tried to seduce him but sadly he turned Jacquie down. He was even mad with her, so yeah,” I swallowed. I want to get out but I don’t want them to notice me. I’m afraid that they might do something to me. Last time, when I interrupt some girls talking, they got mad at me and almost tweaked me in annoyance. That really traumatized me. “But girl, he’s so good, the hardness of the body. Jacquie even tried to touch his manhood but he immediately grabbed Jacquie’s hand.” My eyes grew wider as I heard those words. Just how? I couldn’t understand women in this generation. How could they do things like that and act like it’s just a normal thing for them? Girls should be conservative right? But why? Why they are acting like those words come out of their mouths every day? Like they are used to it. “What?! Shit, oh come on, I should have been the one who did that.” Until they went out of the room, I couldn’t even move on about their topic. My face heated up again. What is that? Don’t they know that what they say is scandalous? That’s it’s too vulgar and bold. I swallowed hard before going out of the restroom. I was quite the whole time I worked at the club. Well, no one dared to talk to me, and even if someone did, I would not going to talk to them. I’m embarrassed about my condition. Not all people will understand someone like me. Some people’s minds are narrow and shallow. They wouldn’t gonna understand my situation. Because for them, if you have a disorder or something that’s not normal, they will treat you like you came from an unknown place. They will treat you like crap. I sadly smiled. But then there are still good people who will embrace you with all their hearts. And I still believe that more people will gradually understand those like me. There will always be hope, I guess. I hope. I was changing my clothes when I heard one of my coworkers talking about an incident. The time ticked off, it was already past eleven o’clock in the evening, my shift is just seven to eleven pm since it was my day off and I had just replaced one of my co-workers. “Hey bud, I heard someone is fighting there in the parking lot.” They are already outside the staff room when I heard them talking. “Really?” “Yes, a student from SAU and a frat at a nearby university.” “What? So the man was beaten?” “Looks like that, but those in the fraternity were beaten more. Fuck bro, the more interesting is, the man’s still drunk.” They are still talking about it when they left. I went out of the bathroom and took my bag. When I came out of the staff room, I bumped into Señiora Vetrua. Her forehead is creasing while trying to call someone on her phone. Her gaze met mine. The crease on her forehead faded and quickly smiled at me. I smiled back at her before waving my hand as a sign of goodbye to her. She immediately waved back at me before she threw her attention back on her phone. I went out of the club, before walking home, I went to a nearby convenience store to grab something to eat. Hunger suddenly strikes me, so yeah. The road is dark and the only thing that lights the way is the shine of the moon. I looked up at the sky, there are so many stars in the sky tonight. And they looked so beautiful. I suddenly want to draw or even paint them. Sometimes, I wish that I can hold the stars and moon with my hands. But that is so impossible, too impossible. I want to paint them now. But I don’t have the things, it was left at home. I sighed before looking straight into the street. Maybe next time. I still have many opportunities to paint them. They will not disappear. They will stay there whatever happens. And hopefully, I wish everything will be the same. I blew a breath as I watched what I was going through. A few cars were passing by so I was somehow relieved. I was afraid that something bad might happen to me. I just walked quietly on the dark road until I heard a quiet groan. My eyes searched the place until I saw a man. He was trying to sit properly but he couldn’t. I approached him and looked at his whole body, I can see some blood on her neck. His clothes are slightly ripped and he has some bruises on his face. I helped him stand up. And I was so sure that he was so drunk. He’s reeks of alcohol and can’t even walk properly. I could also see how his jaw tightened as if he was holding back. He needs help. It looks like in his condition now, he can’t go home yet. Not in his state right now. “Fuck them all,” I heard him say harshly in a raspy voice. His voice gives me shivers through my veins. He sounded like he was so mad that he could kill someone. Fortunately, my house is just near here. I let him sit on the floor in front of my house for a while to open the door of my apartment. I lifted him again and laid him on my little bed. He didn’t even fit in my bed since he’s too huge. I don’t even know how I brought him here. I have a very small body. Maybe that’s because of my eagerness to help him. That’s good, I’m glad. I took a basin and filled it with water. Then, I went to my closet to get a small towel, and I also took my first aid kit. I swallowed hard as I looked at him. In able to aid him, I need to see all the bruises he has. Even though it is against my will, I began to unbutton his polo. Is this even right? After I get his clothes, even though I don’t want to look at them, I still looked at his body. It has some bruises. I wiped him first using a warm towel before treating his wounds. Even if I admit it or not, I admired his body. He had the right muscles in the right places on his body. He has a Greek God body.  I looked away to calm myself. I can feel my face heating up again. What am I even thinking? It was wrong to drool over someone’s body. God, It was never the intention, alright? I stood up and took the pill and mineral water from my medicine kit. Then, I put it next to my bed. Fortunately, I have men’s clothing from my dad that I think will fit him well. I hope so. When my parents died, I hid some of their belongings. Well, I think, for a remembrance. Everything about them is important to me. The cloth I took is a plain black shirt, I put it on him gently, trying not to wake him up. And it just really fits. He looks good. It’s already one o’clock in the morning when I sleep on my couch near my bed. My lips automatically parted to catch some air. Breathing became heavier as I tried to heave. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe properly. Someone is … Someone is strangling my neck. There are hands around my neck, choking me. I was running out of air, but the hands around my neck were getting even tighter. I tried to get away but I can’t. I repeatedly thump his hand on my neck. But it was like, he was already numb in pain. Trying to open my eyes, but could only see a faint image of a person. A man. The guy that I helped earlier. The place is so dark. But I know where I am. We are inside the apartment. Shaking with trepidation, I did my best to utter some words. “N-No… p-ple-e-ase…” I can feel his heaviness. He was on top of me. I saw him leaning on me, I was nervous, I am scared for myself. His grip on me also loosened. What will he do to me? “You don’t just let a stranger come into your house.” He said with his dangerous voice. Fear started to creep on my whole system. I tried to get some air. My chest rises and falls violently. His hand is already starting to caress my neck. But I couldn’t help myself to calm down with those caresses. It just fears me more. I can feel his hot breathing on the side of my face. Specifically in my ear. My eyes start to water. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. He hovered over me more and I just can’t move. It feels like I was on a chain. He was already caging me. “Don’t you know stranger danger, hmm?” I was startled when he gently bit my ear, feels like seducing me. “P-Ple-e-ase d-don’t.” He chuckled in my ears. Seems like he’s happy that I was afraid of him. That satisfied him that I was already shaking in fear. “I can do something to you. I might… I might do something very… very… very… bad… or maybe… just maybe… very… very… dangerous.” he said in a menacing voice. “I could kill you.” What he said made me cry even more. My sobs become loud. He looked at my face, I saw how his lips form in a smirk. He licked his lips as he looked at my tears. I don’t know what I did to experience this, I didn’t do anything bad. “Why are you crying, mi amore? I haven’t started yet.” And to my surprise, he kissed my tears. And like a bubble that disappeared in the thin air, the tears magically stopped flowing in my eyes. My lips parted when he smirked and licked his lips with my tears on. His hand on my neck slowly descended from my shoulder to my waist. I gasped when he squeezed my waist “I want you…” His voice was cold and hoarse. Suddenly, I felt goosebumps when I heard his voice, and when his hands started to caress the side of my waist to my stomach. “I want to strangle your neck but…” His face moved down again, this time on my neck. I almost push him away when his lips touched my neck. But he quickly took my hands, when it was already forcing him to get away from me. I tried my best to push him away but he was way too strong for me. He raised both my hands while his right hand remained on my waist. Squeezing and caressing, there was still fear in my chest. But … His lips moved to my neck. Gently kissing it made me feel some shivers, I inhaled as he gently bit it. He was nipping and biting my neck. Until I felt something wet brushing on my throat. It was warm and soft. I wanted to scream but not even a single squeal come out of my mouth. But instead, a faint moan came out on my lips as I felt the man on top of me do things I never imagined. Why is he doing this? And why instead of stopping him, I just let him kiss me? He groaned, his hands are already traveling through my body. My lips were hung open when his hands went to my side boob. Tears welled up in my eyes again when the realization hits me. “N-No, p-plea-s-se h-have m-mercy o-on m-me,” I said in a very small voice. Just a moment then he stopped. But before he finally gets off, he planted kisses on me and sucked the skin on my neck. It hurts, I also felt his teeth biting hard on my skin. I could still feel his teeth into my skin, marking me more. “Sleep…” I quickly woke up and sat up from lying down. I gasped, it felt like I ran a million roads. I looked around to see if someone is there. But there is no one. I’m all alone in my apartment. I closed my eyes again and think about what happened. It’s just a dream, right? A dream, only a dream. I thought it was real. Sighing in relief, I got up from my bed. It’s already six in the morning. Just a dream, right, I thought it was real. Because honestly, I don’t know what I would do if that dream is real. I looked at the clothes I was wearing. It was my long white dress, which I slept on. I went to the bathroom to wash. And when I looked in the mirror, my eyes widened. I caressed the side of my neck that looks so red, no, that was a wound. It was like someone bit me there. Why do I have this? I mean, I don’t remember that I scratched this part. What? Did something happen? Did I do this to myself? But that’s too impossible. I mean… Oh, God… no. Until I remember my dream. Fear welled up in my chest again. Not a dream.