Diary of Fragile Heart (Spin of Loving You Too Long)

I knocked on the white square package in my hand before taking out the filtered object and placing it in my mouth. “I thought Dr. Gladwin doesn’t smoke.” The mocking voice beside me made me turn. Freddie looked at me with his questioning gaze.

I’m not an active smoker, but occasionally, I smoke when stressed or when gathering with friends where cigarettes serve as one of our bonding tools. You know, a cigarette and the conversations of men. And right now, stress is my reason for smoking.

“How’s Robby doing?” I asked casually.Content protected by Nôv/el(D)rama.Org.

“He’s fine. How about the foundation? Enjoyable, working with the kids?” he replied.

I nodded. Yes, replacing Freddie to check on the kids at the foundation back then made me grateful for the blessings I have now. A complete family, the love of my family, a successful and well-paying career. It’s vastly different from their situations.

But forget about that. I invited Freddie to meet not because of those issues. And it seems Freddie understands my position. He smiled and patted my shoulder.

“What’s up?” he asked attentively.

I inhaled the menthol taste from my cigarette, releasing the toxic gas through my mouth and nose before turning to my friend.

“What’s it like being married?” I asked flatly. I’ve asked this question before when my friend had just become a newlywed. But back then, it was just a casual question, and his response was more like a post-marriage joke. Now, my question requires a serious answer.

“Not easy,” he answered softly. “But it can’t be said to be difficult either,” he added, raising an eyebrow. “Certainly, there’s regret in it, especially because we married for love.” He continued, a smile appearing on his face. I could see how happy my friend was. “Joy, sadness, complexity. It’s all part of married life,” he said seriously. Freddie reached out his hand, and I placed the cigarette pack in it. See, cigarettes unite men. “It’s no longer just between me and her,” he continued, lighting the cigarette with a lighter and taking a drag, trying to savor the menthol taste in his mouth.

“At first, between me and her, there was only passionate love. Then the trials of marriage began. There were children, which made me divide my love between my wife and my own flesh and blood. Then there were issues with parents, issues with in-laws, issues with neighbors, and other problems that came one after another.

“That’s where the complexity of marriage lies. When there’s a problem, compromises will emerge. Don’t call them problems; call them tests,” he continued, inhaling cigarette smoke once again. “Why? Are you ready for marriage?” Freddie turned his body towards me.

“I don’t know,” I answered unsure. Whether I liked it or not, I had to admit that I also wanted to enjoy married life. I wanted to experience being pampered by a wife, having children, and sharing love. But until now, I’m still not sure,” I replied honestly.

“What’s the problem? Do you have a potential partner?”

I stared at Freddie, and he returned the gaze. Freddie is my only friend, the only person I trust. He’s a wise man, and that’s why I always seek his advice. He’s also the person who knows about my feelings for my step-niece. He was one of the people who opposed my departure to Germany five years ago, along with Abigail and Claire.

“My mother is trying to arrange a marriage with Phoebe,” I said straightforwardly. For a moment, he looked at me with an unbelieving gaze, then smiled faintly. Back in the early days of college, Freddie used to like Phoebe. However, he abruptly stopped pursuing her after receiving unpleasant treatment from Phoebe’s mother. And of course, he also stopped liking Phoebe after finding out more about her.

“And then? Do you agree?” I snorted. He knew that I had no feelings for Phoebe whatsoever. Phoebe is indeed beautiful and intelligent, but she’s not my type. Especially after I found out about her… Well, let’s not discuss Phoebe.

“You know who I like,” I replied flatly.

“So? You’re both adults now. So?” He looked at me intently.

“I’m confused,” I whispered.

“Why? Afraid of public opinion?” he asked again, with an accusing tone in his voice. “Or afraid your love will be hindered by approval? It seems your sister-in-law won’t mind.” He replied.

“Not that. Many things occupy my mind,” I answered honestly. “Yes, initially, I tried to avoid her because of our status and the significant age gap. Claire married Antony when she was already mature. That’s why they suit each other. But her?”

“At that time, she was still too young. I didn’t want to restrict her youth. I thought giving time for both of us was the right thing to do. To convince herself whether the feelings she had were truly love or just admiration. And to convince myself whether this was indeed love or just the affection of an uncle towards his niece.

“And it turned out that being far from her tortured me. I missed her smile. I missed her affection. I even started imagining her as an adult woman. Often, I felt the urge to come back here and forget about my studies. Then I convinced my heart again. I had to give her time. And I had to convince myself that I deserved her.

“I returned with an unbearable longing. And when I came back, I saw everything had changed,” I replied softly.

“Changed?” Freddie looked at me puzzled.

“She seemed different,” I honestly answered. “It’s not about her appearance, but her attitude. I didn’t see that sparkle in her eyes anymore. She hid everything from me. She looked melancholic. And I realized that for the past five years, she had been avoiding me.

“I didn’t notice it initially. Why she never greeted me during video calls. Before, when I was away on duty and made video calls, she was always there, with her shy face.

“She never joined her family to visit me. The reason was always the same, campus matters that couldn’t be left behind. And every time I came home during my breaks, she was never there. There was always a fabricated excuse.

“At first, I didn’t find it strange. But now I realize. She deliberately avoided me.” I lit another cigarette and took a drag.

“Another shocking thing is, I found out that she’s already arranged to be married to someone else. Do you know how I feel? I’m angry. I’m jealous,” I said cynically. “I thought for five years she was waiting for me. That she truly loved me, not just admired me.

“I even intended to talk to her father on her behalf, asking them to cancel the arranged marriage. Then I saw how they interacted. No signs of coercion, they seemed close. And once again, I felt jealous.”

“I want to be angry. I want to scream in front of her so that she looks at me. But she never looks at me with the same gaze.”

No comments from Freddie, just silence.

“Then Mom tried to arrange a marriage for me with Phoebe. I know Mom wants me to marry soon and have children. But my hope to get married has faded. The desire is gone,” I replied wearily. I’m truly resigned to the situation, but marrying Phoebe is not an option either. There’s no feeling in my heart for her. Not even a hint of admiration.

I looked at Freddie, waiting for his comment.

“Do you really love her?” he finally asked.