Forbidden Desire

It wasn’t in my plans to let Jinhee stay. All I wanted was for her to get out of my house and stay as far away from me as possible. After everything that happened last night, I was even more confused than I already was. When I found out that Jinhee was cheating on me, I felt angry, my blood boiled, I wanted to get rid of her as quickly as possible, and, oddly enough, I didn’t shed a tear. But when I found out that Jane had lied to me, it was totally different. I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. In a short space of time, she had become the person I trusted the most, and discovering that she was also lying to me completely unsettled me.

When I took those photos of Jinhee, even though I was angry, I felt free. Free to desire Jane as I did, free to be with her as I wanted to be, but after the lie, I tried to convince myself that I would be better off alone. When I left the house last night, I went to a bar and started drinking. I couldn’t get Jane’s face out of my mind; I couldn’t stop thinking about her tear-filled eyes as she told me she loved me. How could she lie so well? As the drink scrambled my mind, some women approached me, and the next thing I knew, I was having fun with them in the VIP area of a nightclub. I can’t tell you how many women I was with. The only thing I remember is that at least I used a condom.

I don’t remember any of their faces, their names, or their bodies, and all the time I just wanted it to be Jane there. As much as I’d had sex with those women, I hadn’t been able to cum once. Could it be that I wasn’t able to because they weren’t Jinhee? In the middle of the night, I came home totally drunk, and before I could think, I was going to Jane’s room; she was my shelter and brought me so much peace. When she turned to me, looking at me with her sparkling eyes and started asking me where I was, I had to make her be quiet. If I heard her soft voice, I would fall apart, and that wasn’t what I wanted. I needed to be inside her; I needed to know her heat; I hadn’t been able to come with any other woman, and she was my last hope. If I couldn’t be with her, then I really was lost because I could only do it with Jinhee.

She had already shown me several times that she wanted me, but just when I needed to be inside her, she rejected me. The next thing I knew, I was forcing myself on her, and when I saw the tears in her eyes, I couldn’t go on and ended up crying too. Even though I’d been a jerk to her, instead of kicking me out, she cuddled me, put some clothes on, and we went to sleep cuddled up. I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep, but smelling her soft scent and having her in my arms, I felt safe and fell asleep.

When I woke up, she was staring at me with such a sad look on her face, and I just tried to understand what had happened to make her like that. She said I’d called her Jinhee, but I don’t remember doing that. Did I say it in my sleep? She kicked me out of her room, and when I looked into her eyes, I realized how hurt she was. She didn’t deserve that. I was confused, and I was hurting the best person I’ve ever met. She’s just a dreamy girl, and at that moment, I decided that I was going to get away from her. She deserves more than someone who is confused and hurt.

I went to my room to take a shower, and I could see in the mirror all the lipstick marks and scratches that the women from last night had left. Damn! Surely Jane had seen that. She saw it and still didn’t reject me. She must really love me, and that’s why I had to stay away from her. I’m completely destroyed emotionally, and she doesn’t deserve this. She deserves someone who can devote themselves to her and give her everything she deserves. I take a shower, and no matter how much I scrub my body with the sponge, I still feel dirty, dirty for having hurt Jane and dirty for having tried to force her to accept me. When I get out of the shower, I go to the dining room to have my breakfast, but when I get there, I hear Jinhee ordering Jane and Mrs. Amelia around.

“I defend them,” I say, my voice firm, as I throw her out again, but she begs me to stay, and I quickly plan my revenge, letting her stay only to make her go through everything I’ve been through these last two years. After smashing her cell phone, I get out of there and completely lose my appetite. I go back to my room and start getting dressed for work. I put on a pair of black pants, and just as I was about to start buttoning up my white dress shirt, I heard a timid knock on the door. I roll my eyes, imagining it might be Jinhee and, without bothering to turn towards the door, I ask, irritated.

“What now?”

I hear a sweet voice enter the room, and all my anger seems to disappear.

“Sorry to bother you,” Jane says softly, her voice gentle as she holds a tray. “It’s just that you haven’t eaten anything, so I’ve brought you some soup to help with your hangover.”

I turn around to see Jane, her honey-colored eyes gazing at me with concern, her soft smile warming my heart. Even after everything I did last night, she was still there, worrying about me. I don’t deserve her, and I need to make her stay away from me, or I’ll end up hurting her more and more, and she doesn’t deserve that.

“Thank you,” I say, my voice softer now. “You can leave it on the bed.”

She approaches the bed and places the tray on it, and I turn my attention to the mirror in front of me, trying not to look at her.Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org exclusive © material.

“I wanted to apologize too,” Jane says, her voice tinged with sincerity.

I turn to her, confusion evident on my face, as she gets closer.

“An apology?” I ask, feeling her proximity affecting me.

She’s just a few centimeters away from me, her perfume intoxicating, and I struggle to maintain my composure. She notices that my shirt is open, and I see her gaze roaming my body. Having her so close was making my plan to push her away very difficult. I could see the desire in her eyes, and though I’ve had many women desire me, her gaze was different. She didn’t look at me like I was a piece of meat, but at the same time, I could see that she was burning with desire for me.

“Yes,” she says softly, her gaze locked with mine. “I wanted to apologize for kicking you out of my room this morning. I know this has all been very difficult for you, and that you’re still very confused. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now, and I’m sorry you’re going through all this. So I just want to apologize and say that I’m on your side.”

I couldn’t maintain my posture; her words were like a soothing balm to my troubled soul. I stared at her, utterly dumbfounded. How could she be so sweet? I wanted to grab her and run away, to shield her from all the pain. But at that moment, the biggest risk to her was me.

“You don’t need to apologize for anything,” I manage to say, my voice slightly shaky with emotion. “I’m the one who needs to apologize for going up to your room and trying to force you…”

Before I can finish, she steps closer, her face softening with empathy. She reaches out, gently cupping my face in her hands, her touch sending shivers down my spine. Despite my inner turmoil, I find myself closing my eyes, savoring her touch.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she whispers, her voice filled with reassurance. “Shall we forget all about it?”

I don’t open my eyes, unable to move away from her. Before I can gather my thoughts, I feel her soft lips brush lightly against mine, igniting a fire within me. All my self-control crumbles in an instant, and I find myself pulling her close, kissing her with urgency.

She responds eagerly, her arms wrapping around my neck as she returns my kisses with equal fervor. My mind races with desire as I guide her toward the bed, our lips locked in a passionate embrace. But amidst the heat of the moment, a flicker of conscience pierces through the haze.

I remember the drawings she made, the vulnerability in her eyes as we first kissed. I realize I can’t use her like this, not while I still harbor feelings for Jinhee. Abruptly, I pull away, leaving her bewildered, and utter in a weak voice,

“Leave me alone, please.”

“But…” she begins, her expression one of confusion and hurt.

“Jane, please!” I interrupt, my voice pleading. “You deserve more than I can give you. I can’t do this to you.”

She approaches me, her hand gently resting on my back as she pulls me into a comforting embrace.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she whispers, her voice soothing. “I know you need a break. I’ll let you eat your soup.”

Torn between desire and remorse, I watch as she exits the room, leaving me alone with my tumultuous thoughts. It’s a moment of clarity amidst the chaos, a reminder of the pain I’ve caused and the need for redemption. And as I sit there, grappling with my emotions, I know that Jane deserves better than the fractured mess I’ve become.