In Love With My Boyfriend’s Brother

Tracy is still “buzzed” by the alcohol and turns to talk to her friends, who are also too happy for my taste, about something funny that happened at the party. They chat, while I look out the window, my thoughts so far away. She turns and comments on the subject to Yan, who just says yes to something she said. She goes back to laughing with her friends, out of the corner of my eye I see that Yan is fiddling with the rearview mirror and when I look in that direction I see him looking at me, he still looks serious to me. I avert my eyes elsewhere. We arrive in front of my apartment. I go downstairs and when I go to say goodbye to Tracy she says: “It was great that you came with us.” I just smile back and say: “Make sure you guys don’t get into too much trouble from now on.” She smiles even more and says: “No, we’ll be fine. We’re just going downtown because Yan is getting me a tattoo for my birthday present!” She claps her hands while laughing, she is overjoyed and so are the girls. I just say: “Wow, how original.” I look at Yan who is looking at his hands on the steering wheel. She replies: “Isn’t it?” She doesn’t understand the irony in my tone of voice. And she doesn’t even deserve that I am acting like this. And I don’t want to ruin her birthday any more than I already have, so I just say goodbye and head toward the entrance of the building, not even looking in Yan’s direction as I turn the car around. I arrive at my apartment, Matt still hasn’t answered me, but it turns out it’s too late to get an answer from him. I take a shower because I couldn’t sleep the way I was. The bartender went all out when I asked for a little more alcohol. I go to the kitchen to prepare a glass of milk. I clear my mind, I don’t want to think about anything. Nothing. Nothing… Lips… That mouth in the rearview mirror… I put my hands on my face. But what the hell! Matt came in this afternoon and told me to a sleepover. I was in my pajamas all day, I didn’t feel like eating anything. My stomach was like shit and I didn’t even drink that much, maybe it was the lack of habit of ingesting alcoholic beverages that made me like this. Or maybe it was something else, something that I am trying my best not to think about. I don’t remember feeling this way after we… well after we had sex that night. He said himself that it would be something physical and it was, in a way. But the way he kissed me yesterday made me realize that nothing we have ever done before can be in any way just physical, it is much more than that. I know that he felt the same way I did while kissing me and I hate to admit that I liked it. I don’t even want to think about it and I’m already thinking again. “What the fuck!” After we agreed that nothing more was going to happen between us, he comes in with that kiss. I know I provoked him, but that didn’t give him the right to do that to me. But there he was again acting like an asshole minutes later as usual. I don’t know if I’m mad at him just because he kissed me, I guess I didn’t like that he went to get a tattoo for her, that was something I thought he would do just for me, but he didn’t. He’s a jerk and he will always be a jerk. He is an asshole and he will always be that way. … I take a shower and go to Matt’s apartment. I open the door and see that Yan and Tracy are on the couch in the living room. They are cuddled together watching something on TV. And I wish I didn’t feel this weird chill in my stomach every time I see them. As soon as I close the door, they look in my direction and Tracy quickly says hello, while I say hello back. Yan looks in my direction, I do too, but I quickly look away and don’t do that anymore. Matt comes out of the room and meets me with a kiss and a long hug saying that he missed me. As he hugs me, I face in the direction of those two over there. Yan is wearing a sweater and I hate to catch myself trying to see the tattoo he made for her. But as soon as he sees me hugging Matt, he just says something in Tracy’s ear, she smiles, and they walk off in the direction of his room. ”I brought Chinese food, I put it in the kitchen.” Matt loves Chinese food and I wanted to surprise him. No one here is a big fan of cooking. I put on a movie, while Matt brings our food. I just say: ”I brought enough for everyone, do you want to call Yan and Tracy?” Matt laughs and says: ”I guess they’re not hungry right now.” He winks and I smile, but I don’t like to imagine whatever it is they are doing there. An hour later we are with the lights off under the blanket finishing watching that movie when Yan comes out of the room and walks past us shirtless and with his hair all messed up. He looks sexy like that and I hate to admit it to myself. I run my eyes down his body looking for a certain new tattoo but to no avail. He looks at me and I avert my eyes to the TV. Matt says:Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.

” Sky brought Chinese food, try putting it in the microwave, because it must have gotten cold.” He heads toward the kitchen. I turn to Matt and say: ”Can we go to bed? I want to wake up early tomorrow.” ”Wake up early on a Sunday, Sky?” I just answer Matt: ”I have a test on Monday and some weekdays too, so I need to study.” ”Okay, let’s go then.” I get up and don’t even look in the direction of the kitchen. … I wake up early, say goodbye to Matt, and go home to study. Grace comes to study with me because we are in the same class and we have become friends since then. … Matt comes to dinner with me and he doesn’t stay for the night, because he also has to wake up early. I go to college in the morning and I don’t do too badly on the exam. In the afternoon I go to work and I wish I wasn’t feeling so airborne. The weekdays go by slowly, Matt comes to my apartment whenever he finds some time and I continue with my study nights, which is the only time I have to study. It’s Thursday and I’m asking heaven for this week to go by fast. But I’ve been missing something that I don’t know what it is. ”Sky?” Lucy surprises me, while I grab some copies from the copy machine. ”What?” ”Wow! You’re in a world of the moon girl!” ”Oh, shut up!” I say softly because this intimacy I have only with her, who smiles and completes: It’s almost snack time, finish that and go there. ”Yeah, I’ll be right there. Aren’t you coming?” We always grab some snacks or coffee at the bakery across the street from my work. ”Not today. By the way, there’s a beautiful ma looking for you at the front desk.” She winks at me and leaves, smiling as she sees my surprised face. As I go downstairs, I run into Yan, who is sitting in an armchair as if he were one of the employees or one of the owners of the company. It is inevitable not to get a hint of anxiety and take the opportunity to look around while he hasn’t seen me yet. I just wonder what he is doing here and how he found out where I work. He is wearing a white T-shirt and black jeans. The girl at the front desk who I can never remember is Sally or Kelly is mesmerized by him. She almost eats him with her eyes. And ridiculous. I roll my eyes watching that scene. She is blonde, blue-eyed, and manages to get some cleavage into this almost impossible uniform of ours. He smiles at her as he looks in her direction and sees her smiling again. I roll my eyes again. And from the way I felt when I saw him smiling at her, I could have sworn that… Oh, forget it Sky. I don’t like him, he’s nothing of mine, just my boyfriend’s brother and… ”Sky!” He pulls me out of my reverie and when I look in his direction he is standing with his hand in his pocket, kind of shy. I hate the pit in my stomach when he looks at me like that. I’m a little embarrassed and approach him. I look at Sally or Kelly who quickly stops looking in his direction and goes back to her computer. She looks frustrated and I like that. I look in his direction now and before I can ask, he says: ”Matt told me where your work is once and I am here because we need to talk.” I look at him for a moment and say: ”We don’t need to.” I turn and walk towards the exit and realize that he is following me, the next thing I know we are outside and he crosses in front of me and says: ”And this is why we should talk.” I question: ”That’s why what?” He looks at me sad now and says: “I don’t want you to hate me.”