Surrender Your Sensations

“Loving someone is a manifestation of human’s vulnerability; the risk of hurting someone and being hurt by another person.” I smiled before my eyes searched for Rupert’s seat in the audience area. “We lost, we burned and we got hurt … But we can’t deny the fact that this abstract thing called love is the connection we need as a social being. Without love, this life will be meaningless. Without love, this world will be cruel. Without love, I wouldn’t be able to stand on this stage and carry on in this debate. My love for debate is what kept me going and the love of the people around me is what motivated me to not surrender. ”

Love is being vulnerable.

And although many of us get hurt after loving someone, “The important thing is the lessons we learned and the memories we had with the person who made us happy. So, it is still better to love even though you might lose. Because a quitter will never be a winner but a loser can eventually win. Same goes with love, to be brave is the only way to really find the love that will make you happy. Don’t resent love. ”

The audience clapped their hands after my concluding statement for our team’s side; it is better to love even though there is a risk of losing in the end.

It was how the nationals went. As Sir Romeo said, the nationals were always unpredictable- and the topic was beyond the generic pattern of debate competitions.

I don’t know what the result of our competition will be today but one thing is for sure- I am happy. I feel so alive.

“Love is a destructive thing. Our side still believes that the world will be better if humans didn’t develop the concept of love. If we didn’t let the emotions linger- if we didn’t let the pain be felt- if we didn’t let love plant roots in our hearts- our life would be much simpler and easier. For our conclusion, we would like to remind everyone that love is just an emotion and humans should be the one to control it and not the other way around. To love is to be vulnerable as our opponent argues. But, always remember that no one ever entered a war without armor. ”

Another round of applause was given for our opponent’s closing remark. After that, a half an hour of recession was declared.

That’s when I fell on my feet.

I could no longer disregard how weak I was feeling ever since the debate started. I endured enough time standing. I sat on the floor and Gelo quickly helped me to stand again on my feet.

“Meredith! Meredith!” Cherry and Minzy tried to help me to stand up too. But my legs were getting softer and weaker. My eyesight was also spinning and I had a very bad headache since I woke up today.

“Oh gosh! Meredith!”

I heard people screaming- and then there was the sound of footsteps rushing towards me.

“Meredith! Don’t fall asleep! Open your eyes!”

But just a few seconds later, as my eyelids grew heavier, my hearing began to decline. I felt someone holding my weak body- that person was holding me tightly.

“Meredith Kaye! Open your eyes, Sweetie! Please …”

Darkness became more dominant as seconds passed by. I leaned my body on the person who hugged me tightly and let my eyelids fall completely.

The pain in my chest was excruciating. The numbness enveloped my body. The next thing I knew, everything went dark and the last thing I heard was Rupert’s familiar deep and husky voice. He was calm when he whispered to my ears, “Hang in there, Sweetie. Please … Please don’t leave me. I love you.”

I forced myself to nod … With eyes closed, I answered him in my weak voice, “I love you too…”

***

“Kris.”

My personal nurse immediately approached me and then helped me remove the wig I was wearing. A month of chemotherapy made me lose all of my hair again.

I smiled at the mirror’s reflection. Although I couldn’t see my face clearly, it still felt different seeing my head without my long hair.

“You’re still beautiful, Ma’am Meredith,” Kris said as she stood behind me. She was fixing my IV to my wheelchair.

I was wearing a long white dress reaching my ankles. Around my shoulders was a cream colored shoal. Kris put on my make-up. I was sitting on my wheelchair because my legs were too weak to even stand.

I stroked my head. “It took me two years to grow my hair long, Kris. It’d been crazy for the past few months to watch my hair fall out, one by one.” The smile on my lips left and I sighed heavily to stop myself from crying.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

“Until now I’m still wondering why you didn’t agree to shave your hair before the treatment started.”

I took a deep breath. Why? It’s not like I don’t know the consequences of chemotherapy.

“Maybe because it’s really hard to just throw away the two years I waited to have my hair that long.”

Time … It’s the most valuable thing most of us took for granted. And my hair made me realize that. The two years I spent growing my hair long were also the two years that I experienced life with a healthy body and mind.

“I feel like when I shave my hair, it’s like I’m throwing away the two years I had been happy – the two years I had been free of my pain.”

She caressed my shoulders to console me. I appreciated that. For the past month, Kris became more than my personal nurse. She became another friend of mine. She was the one who was there on occasions when I was weak after a session and I didn’t want Rupert to see how I was struggling and hurting.

“Thank you for being with me throughout my treatment, Kris.” I held her hand on my shoulder. The warmth coming from her hand never failed to make me feel better.

“You’re the first cancer patient I’ve taken care of, Ma’am Meredith. It’ll hurt so much if your surgery doesn’t go well. I hope you don’t get tired of fighting.”

I nodded. “I’ll try my best. Many of you are waiting for me after my surgery. I don’t want to disappoint all of you.”

My surgery will be tomorrow. It would be a double surgery; to remove the tumor and to carry on my mastectomy. I was especially nervous and Eian had already warned me of possible complications. But whenever I would see the determination and hope in Rupert’s eyes- my heart grows stronger.

“I will pray for your recovery, Ma’am Meredith. We will pray a lot for you.”

Yes. Everything would be just up to Him.

Kris pushed my wheelchair toward the door of the room. I tightened my grip on the small box containing a ring. Today, I would like to renew my vow to Rupert.

There is no certainty of the outcome of the surgery tomorrow and … I don’t want to regret it if ever I would not be with Rupert after the operation.

“Ma’am Bailey called me earlier while you were getting dressed. Sir Rupert is waiting for you at church.”

I nodded and let Kris push the wheelchair I was sitting in towards the church.

I only have one request now. I hope to see Rupert’s face for one last time.

When we were in front of the church, I stopped Kris just as she was about to open it. I felt her confused gaze at me and I held her hand tightly.

My vision was blurred by tears. “W-Why do I feel like this is the last time I’ll see the man I love?”

Finally, I was able to name the heavy feeling in my chest since the moment I woke up today.

Kris was stunned and immediately knelt down in front of me. She cupped my face and wiped away the tears that were on the brink of falling from my eyes. “Don’t say that. You’re here to strengthen your love.”

“That’s also what I want to believe, Kris … But … But I feel the pain and weight,” I closed my eyes and clutched my chest, “I kept on denying it but this feels like my last goodbye. Why does it feel like I am about to leave?”

Gut-feeling. Suspicion. Vision.

Most of us don’t believe those concepts because no one could predict the future. However, there were moments when human instincts provided an accurate intuition.

And I don’t want to believe it … But the feelings felt so strong.

“Sssh … Ma’am Meredith, stop crying. You won’t be gone yet. You’re not going somewhere far. After the surgery, you’ll go back to your family – to your husband.”

But I could not stop crying.

The next thing I knew, the door of the church opened and Rupert rushed towards me. He immediately hugged me.

“Please … P-Please Rupert.” I hugged his waist and buried my face on his shirt.

“Meredith. Stop crying …” He separated me from him then knelt in front of me. He cupped my face and then kissed my forehead. “Everything is going to be okay. Trust the process and trust God.”

I took the ring I had prepared for today. With shaking hands, I put the ring on his finger. I kissed his hand and then I forced a weak smile on my lips.

“Meredith … Please … Stop looking at me like that.” Rupert’s voice trembled. Though I could not see his face clearly, I knew he was about to cry. “Don’t look at me like y-you are saying goodbye.”

My tears didn’t stop from falling and my heart broke when Rupert started crying too.

He suddenly leaned his head on my lap while holding my hands tightly.

I caressed his hair and tried my hardest to remember how it felt through my hand. I remembered the sound of his sobs and the warmth of his tight hold.

“D-Don’t remember me in my darkest days, Rupert. We have other memories together.”

If I could never go back to him, I hope all that is left for him are the good memories we have together.