The Wicked Mrs. Gastrell (English version)

It was raining hard outside. The droplets of the pouring rain created a nice soundless effect on my closed window.

I stood up and opened the window and let the cold enter the room. We were supposed to leave earlier but we had to cancel the flight for a few hours because the weather turned bad. I went back to curling up in bed and stared at the storm outside.

Yesterday I came home to my brother’s mansion in Monte Vega. Yesterday I finally finished the revenge that I had been preparing for several years.

Yesterday Zen asked me if I was contented with what I achieved. Is it enough that I left without actually doing what I planned all along?

I didn’t answer him because I don’t know how to express what I have inside my head. I also kept asking myself if abandoning the original plan of killing Ymir and Elizabeth is what I really wanted. Only this morning did I finally have my final answer while staring at my older brother who is painfully gazing at the portrait of his once-upon fairytale wedding.

I got my answer. I am not satisfied with what has been done but for my brother and Cholo I will end everything here. I’ll let due process take effect no matter how long it will take. I will not widen the conflict anymore, the gap between the two families.

By claiming another life, I will just start another cycle, another season of revenge. I don’t want it anymore. I am tired. I want to get out of the chain myself.

After a few hours, the rain stopped, which signaled that I had to leave. My chest was heavy because of my departure but I convinced myself that it was for the good of everyone.

It’s for Zen’s peace of mind.

It’s for Cholo’s reputation.

And it’s for my own sake.

I need to heal. I need to find myself. I need to be whole again. I need to learn to forgive myself for being weak. I need this to move on.

I’ve done it. I’ve tried taking it upon them. I thought I would move on but I was just trapped in an endless loop with no way out.

Leaving is the best option.

“I told you I can leave by myself. You don’t have to accompany me. I can take care of myself. France is not some strange place to me. I lived there for years, ‘di ba?”

He just just shook his head and pulled me closer to him while guiding me to the waiting private jet at the airport. It’s still foggy but the sky is clear compared to earlier.

“Nonsense. I’ll stay with you there for a week to ensure that you’re safe, well taken care of, and healthy. I’ll be your brother again. I feel so useless for the past months that you’re not on my side. I’ll pamper you. We’ll shop there together,” he convinced me.

He helped me board the air stair and smiled at the flight attendant who greeted us. I sat on the customized leather seat and stared outside the cabin window.

My mind wandered back to my husband. It’s almost three in the afternoon. Where is he now? Did he have lunch already? Or did he spend the nights drinking himself to sleep?

Will he know that we can’t see each other? Does he know that I’m leaving now?

I sighed and clutched the pendants of my necklace. There were three of them. I put the rings he gave me together with the original pendant of my necklace. I wanted to take it off, hide it, or give it back to my husband but I couldn’t. It’s like I’m still holding on to him after all.

“Zen, aren’t we leaving yet? Are we still waiting for someone?” I asked Zen who is sitting on the other side across from me, reading a newspaper.

“Just a little more minutes. I’m still waiting for a call.”

I went back to staring outside. To this day, I’m still trying to accept that this is where it all ends.

I left Cerro Roca, Monte Vega, and Cholo. I’ll leave everything in my hometown for good to start anew in my new country.

I’ll go back to my therapist to find balance in my life again. I’ll enjoy Lyon just as I did back then. I’ll tour around its museums and historical sites and spend my nights sipping my favorite champagne.

But I know that my heart will stay here… to the man whom I will always love forever. To the land where my beloved was buried. To the swift memories I had with my one and only Errol.

I heard someone calling Zen but I ignored it. My mind is still busy organizing my thoughts.

“You sure you wanna leave without talking with him for the last time?”

I looked at my brother with his hand outstretched to see where the ringing cellphone was. I looked at the unsaved number on it and felt a familiar ache in my heart.

“I don’t want to. Let’s go now. I don’t want to talk to him,” I said, trying to sound unaffected.

Instead of following me, Zen just took my hand and put the cellphone down.

“I’ll just check on Brad in the cockpit.”

He quickly turned around and left me not knowing what to do. The phone didn’t stop beeping so I ended the call but it rang again after several seconds. When it became apparent that he wouldn’t stop calling, I sighed and finally answered.

“I’m here,” is the first thing he said.

I closed my eyes and bit my lips to stop myself from crying.

“I’m here outside, wife. I’m just a few meters from where you are,” he added.

My eyes immediately went outside the window. And true to his words, I found him a few meters from where we were parked, holding the phone in his ear not minding that he was soaking wet with the gentle drops of the rain.

“Don’t talk. I might force my way into you if I hear your voice. For now, just hear me out.”

He took a long breath and chuckled.

“I love you, wife. Let’s start with that.”

I let the tears fall to ease the tightness in my chest.

“I will never be able to love another woman like you. You’re one of a kind. You’re my innocent Karina. Too pure that I don’t deserve having you in my arms. I know I messed up, wife. I didn’t keep my promises to you. I was blinded by my hate. I wasn’t there to protect you. You were traumatized… and scared.”

I closed my mouth and continued weeping. I stared at the man in the rain who I felt was looking at me too through the foggy atmosphere.

“Just promise me one thing, Karina… Promise me you’ll live your life, wife. Live it to the fullest. Don’t worry about our son and your family. I’ll take care of them. I’ll make sure to give them justice. Don’t stress yourself, please. Love, smile. Be happy. Do all the things you haven’t done even if it’s not with me. Smile genuinely as often as you can. Go to places, love. Take pictures. Be carefree. Just feel everything. Enjoy it. Learn to love living again. Be free, Karina… and when you feel like you have done everything… when you know it in yourself that you’ve reached the end… When you feel like there’s still a part of you that still wants me, please come back to me. I’ll always be here for you. Always waiting. No matter how long. Even if it takes decades. I’ll wait for you in our home until you come home.”

I raised my hand to the window and stroked it. I closed my eyes while imagining that it’s Cholo’s face whom I’m touching, caressing, and feeling. My tears flowed down as I sank into my raised arms to hide my face.

“Don’t worry about Errol. I’ll take care of him. I’ll always visit him. I’ll introduce myself to him and tell him stories about us. And Karina… If ever… If ever you wake up one day to find that your last name bothers you… when you realized t-that it’s all gone, feel free to tell me. I’ll give you whatever you want.”

His voice cracked.

“I’m letting you go but it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on us,” he continued after clearing his throat.

I forcefully covered my mouth to prevent my sobs from escaping.

“I know you’re crying,” he laughed. “You’re such a crybaby don’t you know that? You’re so tough outside but you’re broken from the inside. I want you to be tough Karina without the need to mask all your weaknesses. Can I expect you to do that or was I asking for too much?”

He laughed softly.

“What am I saying… The truth is… I don’t know what to say. I just want to keep talking to you now so you have a reason not to leave. I’m trying to buy time even though I know there’s nothing left.”

He took a deep breath and rubbed something on his face. I just stayed quietly watching him.

“I’ll hold on forever, wife.”

I groped for the rings on the necklace and held them tightly.

“Karina, always knows that I’m not giving up on us. Never. You’re still my Mrs. Gastrell through and through and… It’ll be my greatest joy to see you again even from afar.”

He raised his hand and waved in the air.

“I love you, Karina Gastrell. I love you, wife.”

I hung up and hugged myself, crying. Even when the attendant approached me to fasten the seat belt, I still couldn’t stop crying. Even when my brother came to my side and hugged me, I still didn’t stop

Until the plane took off, I still continued crying and never looked back to take one last glance of Cholo.

Because I will never come back to him.

It’s final.

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